On The Ranch
by nootylicious
Summary: Heroing isn't much of a way of getting food on the table. Link has learned this the hard way, and returns to Lon Lon Ranch to ask Talon for a job! Join Link as he begins an all-new quest: braving the life of a rancher!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Okay, so! One thing a lot of people may or may not know about me is that I used to have a deviantART! *horrified gasps* Yeah, back when I was between the ages of 13 and 14, I used to frequent the site a lot. I mostly posted hORRIble fanart of various games, but sometimes I also wrote fanfiction! *more horrified gasps* One such fanfiction was this. Ocarina of Time was my second Zelda ever, and the first Zelda I ever actually finished. Being my young and youthful self, I found so many things about the game super super super cool, one such thing being Lon Lon Ranch. So my tiny little mind farted out this. For some reason. Rereading it, it's not actually as bad as I remember (except I do use the word 'facepalm' more than once. why). In fact, it's actually sort of better than the stuff I produce nowadays. But OH WELL! A/N over~!**

* * *

Link slammed a flyer down on the counter.

Talon looked up from his accounts, broad face breaking into a smile when he saw who it was.

"Why, hello there, Link! Here to see Malon, are ya?"

Link's stony expression didn't change as he pointed to the flyer. Talon glanced at it absently.

"'HELP WANTED'. Why, that'd be the very flyer I posted in town a while back. I appreciate ya returnin' it, Link, but I kinda need people to see it and take the job." he said, smiling weakly.

"YAH! SEIYAH!" yelled Link angrily, waving his arms around.

"You?" asked a surprised Talon. "Well, I do appreciate ya gettin' the ranch back fer me, but are ya sure? I mean, swordplay and livestock are two real different things."

"YAH!"

"Out o' the job, huh? Well, heroing ain't much of a way o' gettin' food on the table."

"HAH!" yelled Link, pointing to the Cuccoos Talon always kept around.

"I offered you a job? When? Ya mean when you were a kid?" Talon asked, bewildered. "Well, Link, winnin' a game o' Super Cuccoos ain't really enough to let a young fella such as yerself around my Malon all the time. 'Sides," he said, scratching his beard, "I done thought you'd forget about it."

Link let out a series of grunts and yells.

"Alright, no need to use language like that, mister. You can have the job."

Link punched the air and yelled happily.

* * *

"You gave Fairy Boy the job?" asked Malon, smiling. "Well, I'll be. I reckon you don't know the first thing 'bout animals, Link."

"HEI!" Link told her.

"Fine, I'll stop callin' ya Fairy Boy, partner. But that don't change the fact that you probably can't tell the two ends of a cow apart."

Link looked thoughtfully at a cow for a second, then went over and pointed at the cow's head. "YAH?" he asked hopefully. Malon and Talon facepalmed.

"Look, why don't you two just brush n' feed the horses? I'll look after the cows." said Talon helpfully.

"I already let the horses out to pasture, so all we gotta do is give 'em a quick brush before feedin' 'em." Malon told Link as the two headed towards the corral. "You've seen me look after Epona before, right? So you oughta know what to do."

Malon headed over to the east side of the corral, leaving Link to deal with the west side. Link set his bucket and brush down and looked up at the first horse. It's eyes glinted and it's nose steamed as it viciously pawed at the ground. It seemed like it was challenging him. And he liked challenges. Just to be safe, though, he glanced over at Malon to see how she was getting on.

Her arms were around the horse's neck as she lovingly ran the brush through it's mane. She seemed to be speaking to it, although Link couldn't make out the words. Looking back at his own charge, he figured hugs and casual conversation wouldn't work on this horse. So he planted himself firmly on the ground and tackled the horse with the brush.

Malon heard frantic yelling and furious neighing from the other side of the paddock and quickly looked up. Link was clinging on for dear life to the horse's back and attempting to drag the brush through it's mane. The horse in question was bucking manically, trying to dislodge the irritating Hylian that was hurting it so much from it's back. Malon legged it over to the pair and grabbed the horse's reins. The horse snorted and gave one final almighty kick. This time, it succeeded in removing Link and he landed in the dust a small distance away. Malon tried to make the horse look into her eyes, all the time making soothing noises. The horse's frantic snorts slowed as it realised Malon was not going to hurt it, and looked back into her eyes. She smiled happily and gently stroked the horse's nose.

Meanwhile, Link picked himself up off the ground and wiped his mouth. He glared at the horse, which seemed to smile smugly at him as it nuzzled into Malon's neck. Said girl then turned around to face Link.

"Link, what were ya thinkin'? Messin' with Quinton." she scolded him. He winced. She turned back to the horse, Quinton, and stroked him again. "Quinton is the finest, strongest, sweetest stallion ya could ever see." Quinton whinnied happily and shot Link another smug look when Malon wasn't looking. Link scowled and started to protest.

"YAH! HAH! SEIY-"

"Yeah, yeah, Link. I hear ya. Maybe you can just feed the horses. I'll brush 'em." Malon told him, shaking her head and walking off. Link shot a filthy look at Quinton and headed towards the troughs.

So far, so good, Link thought to himself. Picking up a bucket of fodder, he slung it into the first trough and looked around. No sign of Quinton or any other psychopathic horses. That was good. Moving on, he steadily continued with his work until almost all the troughs were full. By that time, the sun had started to set, casting a golden hue around the ranch. Link stood up and stretched, and in doing so, he noticed the tip of a shadow close by his feet. Following the shadow, his eyes came to rest on the face of Quinton. The mad beast seemed to be smiling at him again. Link cautiously raised an eyebrow and attempted to stare the horse down. Quinton just seemed to smile wider as his eyes moved away from Link. Link followed the horse's gaze until he saw that he was looking at the first trough that had been filled. Link shrugged and started to turn away, assuming that Quinton just wanted a snack. But then he caught the devious glint in the beast's eyes, and noticed as he raised his front leg. Then he finally caught on.

"HEIYAH!" he yelled, diving towards the horse. But it was too late. Quinton landed a powerful kick on the trough, sending it crashing into the next trough, which in turn crashed into the next, creating a domino effect. Link attempted to stop it, but soon all his work was flung pathetically in the dirt.

Quinton was whinnying in obnoxious laughter, stomping and having to lean on a fence to support himself.

Link glared at him, trembling in rage.

Then, everything went red.

* * *

Link stood, shamefaced, in front of Talon. The usually amiable man's face was now flushed with anger.

"You upset our finest stallion. Wasted hundreds o' rupees worth o' fodder. Then, you wrestled that self-same stallion into the dirt." said Talon, pinching the bridge of his nose and closing his eyes. "All on the first day?!"

Link cringed. He hated to have Talon mad at him. Despite his irresponsibility, the middle-aged man had always been kind to him, and after the shock of losing the ranch, Talon had turned over a new leaf and had become a hard-working and disciplined man. He didn't deserve this.

"What do ya have to say for yerself, Link?" he asked angrily, looking Link in the eyes.

Link scratched his head and shrugged. "YAH?" he said half-heartedly.

Talon sighed sadly and sat down. "I'm sorry, Link. I'm gonna have to let ya go." he told him heavily.

Link bowed his head in submission, not putting up a fight. He headed out of the house, downcast. Talon felt bad for him. After all, Link had gotten his ranch back from Ingo for him. But the boy was just too excitable. His hero's instinct made him hyperactive, and it was just a problem. He had a professional business to take care of, after all. At least, that's what he told himself.

Quinton stuck out his tongue at Link as he saddled up Epona and headed out of the ranch.


	2. Chapter 2

Link sat glumly on Epona's back as the horse and rider made their way to Kakariko Village. He had just been fired from his job as a rancher at Lon Lon Ranch, a job that he'd needed badly. And it was all that horse, Quinton's fault. Link's expression darkened. He hadn't even been paid before he was let go. It would be a surprise if he could even afford a room for the night.

A female voice suddenly broke through Link's gloomy thoughts, just as he was about to hop off Epona's back.

"Link! Wait up!" yelled Malon. Link swivelled around to face her. She came galloping up to him on Quinton.

"SEIYAH?" asked Link.

"'Cos we need ya back, Link. The ranch is in trouble, just my pa doesn't know it yet."

Link made a questioning face.

"Ya ever heard o' the Gorman brothers?" she asked him. Link nodded, thinking back to about seven years ago when he'd had to save Romani Ranch from them in Termina.

"Well, they've been gettin' real friendly with my pa lately. But I overheard 'em talkin' 'bout how they were gonna drive us outta business and buy out the ranch." Here, she stopped and tugged at her hair. "First Ingo, and now those three. Lon Lon Ranch'll never be safe."

"YAH!" yelled Link determinedly.

"Yeah, well, I'll tell ya the plan later. First we gotta convince Pa he needs ya back on the ranch." She looked thoughtul. "And I've been thinkin' of a way that just might work."

She smiled slightly eerily at him. Suddenly, Link didn't feel very safe

* * *

The two sat behind some bushes.

"Right, it's simple. Pa and I'll be takin' our eggs n' milk to town to sell. Suddenly, Ingo'll burst out o' the bushes. 'Cept he won't be Ingo, he'll be a dangerous bandit, see?" Malon told Link excitedly, making hand gestures as she explained. "Here's where you come in. You'll just be happenin' to pass by, and you'll jump to the rescue! Pa'll be so grateful ya saved us, he'll have to take ya back!"

Link listened in silence, and when she finished, he opened his mouth to speak. Malon shushed him.

"I know, I know, it's a great plan. Thank me later. Now, you just wait here 'til our cart passes by, ok? Ingo's just across the way, so you'll know your cue. Seeya, Link!" And with that, Malon sprang up and raced back to the ranch.

Link closed his mouth and sat down grumpily in the shade. This was sure to fail.

* * *

Link opened his eyes with a start. When had he dozed off?! He heard the sound of wheels trundling and horses neighing, and in a sleep-fuelled confusion, he leapt out of the bushes.

At the sight of the young man, Talon reined up the horses and the cart came to a stop. Malon froze.

"Well, hey there, Link." said Talon awkwardly. "...How have ya been?"

Wait a minute. Where was Ingo? Why was nobody panicking? Why was Quinton, who was pulling the cart, smirking at him? Then, as the grogginess wore off, Link realised that he was too early.

After the initial panic wore off, Link gave an awkward little wave. What else could he do?

Malon quickly improvised. "Oh, hey there, Link! What a coincidence, seein' you here!" Here, she stopped and shot Link a pleading look when Talon wasn't looking. He registered her message.

"HAH!" he yelled.

"Bandits around, ya say? Well, Link, I sure am glad you're around to protect us!" she said loudly and pointedly. There was a rustling from a bush, and Ingo hopped out.

Link facepalmed.

Clearly, Malon hadn't thought out the plan as well as she'd said, and had probably spent next to no time on Ingo's disguise. He wore a ratty fake beard and carried a cardboard sword, and had a scarf wrapped around his waist. It wasn't exactly a cunning disguise.

"Oh, my! A bandit! Link, can we count on ya?" asked Malon, swooning.

He uncertainly drew his sword. Malon clearly overestimated her acting abilities, and this plan was showing more and more signs of failure by the second.

"Gimme yer money." muttered Ingo, scratching his chin. Link slowly swung the sword at Ingo, not wanting to hurt him. Ingo wasn't expecting this, however, and fell backwards in shock, landing roughly on his behind. Link almost apologized, but then remembered the acting and pointed the sword at his throat.

"What do ya think yer doin'?" snarled Ingo. "That hurt!"

"SEIYAH!" he yelled uncertainly.

"Ooooh, what brave words!" sighed Malon breathily, fanning herself. At this point, Link thought she was just enjoying herself and there was no way Talon could possibly be falling for this. He looked nervously up at Talon, who had remained quiet with his eyes closed during this charade. He sighed wearily and opened his eyes.

"Could someone please explain this to me?" he asked tiredly. "Link, help Ingo up." Link offered his arm to Ingo, who took it. The two stood up straight and looked guiltily at Talon.

Malon froze. "...Pa, I can explain..." she mumbled.

"No need, sweetie. Ya wanted me to give Link his job back, huh?" he replied, half-smiling.

Malon and Link looked at each other, then nodded guiltily.

"Well, I'll be." He closed his eyes again. "I used to be a lazy fool, ya know. I couldn't be bothered to handle my own ranch, and just sat around playin' Super Cuccoos with little boys all day. I let Ingo do all the work, and maybe Ingo gettin' the ranch was finally the kick I needed." He opened his eyes and smiled broadly at Link. "But it was you, Link, who gave me the second chance to start over. The least I can do is let ya help out on the ranch."

Link and Malon whooped and high-fived. Ingo scowled and pulled the fake beard off his face.

"All that fer nothin'." he grumbled. "I deserve a reward or somethin'."

* * *

Malon and Link were sitting in the middle of the corral, watching the sun set. All the horses bar Epona were back in the stables for the night, and the duo would have to bring them back out to pasture early the next morning.

"Oh, ya got yer job back, Link!" sighed Malon for the millionth time, stretching out on the grass. "All thanks to me, o' course."

Link just smiled and shook his head at the girl's self-confidence.

"There's still those dang Gorman brothers to take care of, though." she mused, gazing up at the sky. He lay down opposite her, a thoughtful expression on his face. "Still, now you're here, we can take 'em on, no problem!"

He smiled half-heartedly. Although she said that, he really had no idea how to deal with the ranch's problem. Alien ghosts and scheming brothers were two very different things.

Malon sat up and grinned down at him. "Hey, Link. What's say I time ya for a lap on the obstacle course? For old times' sake?"

Link stood up and grinned right back at her. "SEIYAH!" he yelled, saddling up Epona and getting on his mark.

While Malon and Link enjoyed each other's company under the rising moon, little did they notice a moustachioed Gorman brother, hidden in the shadows by the stables. His mouth widened into a malicious grin as he slipped into the stables.


	3. Chapter 3

The haystack had actually been quite comfortable to sleep on, for a haystack. When Talon came in to check on Link, he had laughed so hard that he had to sit down when he saw that the boy had fallen asleep with a dozen Cuccoos roosting on and snuggling into him. Even Malon snuck in from the other room, and giggled when she saw her friend peacefully sleeping. In fact, he'd looked so peaceful that she couldn't resist pranking him in some way, and started searching her bedroom for a marker of some sort. Leaning over her sleeping friend, she unleashed her artistic spirit all over the unfortunate boy's face.

"And... over here... and maybe if I added this here... There!" the red-headed teen whispered, giggling devilishly. She then snapped the cap back on the marker, and scampered upstairs to her room.

* * *

Link had been startled awake in the very early hours of the morning when a Cuccoo had sat on his face, almost smothering him. Resisting the urge to strangle the bird, he saw no point in going back to sleep and instead decided to check on the animals.

He quietly opened the barn door, so as not to wake any of the animals. However, he was alarmed to see none of them were there.

"SEIYAH!" he yelled, banging on Malon's bedroom door. Malon groggily opened the door, still wearing her nightgown.

"What is it, Link?" she yawned. "It's still another two or three hours until we hafta get the animals out to pasture. And don't wake up Pa, he's a demon in the mornin'."

"YAH! HAH! SEIYAH! HIYAH!" Link explained frantically.

Malon was instantly jolted awake. "Whaddya mean, missin'? Oh, Goddesses, this is bad! Wait a minute, I gotta get changed!" Link nodded and stood with his arms folded in the doorway. Malon scowled at him. "Ya know, alone? Get out!" she snapped. The Hero of Time's face instantly blushed scarlett, and he slammed the door closed as Malon changed behind a screen.

A moment later, the door flew open again, and a fully clothed Malon grabbed Link by the arm.

"C'mon, let's go!" she yelled, dragging him out of the door and running to the corral. When they got there, they saw that only two horses remained- Epona and Quinton. The latter horse stiffened when he saw Link, and the two squared off, tension crackling the air between them.

"HAH!" Link growled at Quinton. He whinnied viciously in reply. Link was all prepared for round two with the demon beast, but he was met with a punch from Malon.

"Leave the dang horse alone!" she snarled at him, saddling up Quinton. The boy sent a final glare in the smirking horse's direction before hopping on Epona's back. Malon and Quinton galloped away from the corral, heading for Hyrule Field. Link took an alternative route, and had Epona jump the high fence surrounding the small hill Lon Lon Ranch was on. Even before Epona's hooves touched the grass of the lush Hyrule Field, Link could tell they'd be here a while. Cows and horses alike stood around munching on grass and trees all over the vast plains. He headed around the ranch to find Malon, who surveyed the scene with a grim expression.

"Well, looks like we're just gon' hafta round 'em up." she sighed. "I'll take the west side."

* * *

Malon and Link spent the whole morning and a good bit of the afternoon rounding up all the animals. Fortunately, the only other person on the field was the Running Man, so nobody was disturbed. However, he couldn't seem to handle the fact that his usual running path was obstructed by livestock.

"W-WHAT IS THIS?!" he yelled at Malon, who was trying to get the animals back to the ranch as peacefully as possible. "There are things in my path and it doesn't make sense! You know how long I've been running this route? TWENTY YEARS! All day, every day, from the entrance to Castle Town to the Gerudo Valley border to Lon Lon Ranch to the river and then back to the Castle Town entrance again! Rain, snow, apocalypse, I kept running even if it meant assaulting little boys!" Here, he started to tear up. "And every night, EVERY NIGHT, as the sun went down, I'd stop at the exact same spot and watch the moon rise. But now I can't, and my record of twenty years is ruined." He curled up on the ground and began to cry. An idle cow started munching on his hat.

The flustered Malon quietly ignored the man and led the animals back to the ranch. By this time, the sun was high in the sky. She looked around for Link, and saw him over by the Zora's river.

"Is that the last of 'em?" she asked. The blond teen nodded. "Good. But there's probably more what escaped to other places. I'll check Castle Town and Kakariko Village. You check Zora's Domain and the Lost Woods. They probably ain't gonna go near the Gerudo Valley." Link nodded again and prepared to head over, until he saw Malon sniggering.

"YAH?" he asked confusedly.

"I... y-your face..." the girl spluttered, before falling into helpless giggles. Quinton and even Epona whinnied in laughter at the poor boy. Link cocked his head in confusion, but then caught a sight of his reflection in the sparkling water. The devastating consequences of Malon's art frenzy were evident, and she hadn't held back. She really had drawn just about everything she could fit on his face, including Cuccoos, a monocle, a game of tic-tac-toe and a rather crooked moustache.

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" he yelled in rage, blushing in fury and embarassment.

"Aw, I'm sorry, Link, I just-" she attempted as an excuse, but another giggle escaped her lips and once again she and the horses were laughing uncontrollably. Link waited in stony silence, his cheeks still red, for the childish trio to calm down.

"HAH?" he asked flusteredly when they had stopped laughing. Malon nodded, and Link led Epona away.

* * *

The sun had already begun to set by the time the dynamic duo had finally rounded up all the animals. Quinton and Epona were both exhausted from the day's endeavours, and so were their riders. Link and Malon locked their horses back in their paddocks and exited the barn.

"Best lock the doors, Link." she told him wearily. He looked back at her quizzically. "I get the feelin' this weren't no accident. Lock the door and hide the keys." He nodded, locking the doors and slipping the keys into his satchel. Then, they both headed into the house and collapsed on Link's haystack.

"Malon? Link? Are ya home?" Talon called from upstairs.

"Yup!" Malon called back in reply. The older man opened the door at the top of the stairs. He raised his eyebrows to see the two teenagers flopped on the haystack, and even more at Link's illustrated face, but overlooked it.

"Where have ya both been all day?" he asked. "And more importantly, where were the animals?"

"They went missin'. We found 'em." Malon groaned, closing her eyes.

Talon nodded. "So, I guess that means they haven't been brushed, fed or milked yet today." he said, folding his arms. Malon and Link emitted a wail and buried their heads in hay. He grinned. "Kiddin'. We can just make Ingo do it. I'll get dinner on, and you two just relax and have a bath or somethin'." He headed towards the kitchen door by the stairs, but then turned around, his eyes widened in fake seriousness. "But not together, mind you!" Then he bumbled off to the kitchen, chortling at his own bad joke. The two were too exhausted to even care about the middle-aged man's antics.

"I'm too tired to move. Link, you can have the bath first." Malon mumbled, turning over. Link grunted sleepily in reply. "There's a tub behind the screen in my room. Ya want to heat the jug on the stove 'fore pouring it in."

Link gingerly dipped a toe into the hot water before easing his whole body in. He sighed contentedly and rested his head on the edge of the tub. It was actually pretty fun working at Lon Lon Ranch, if a little hectic. It was certainly a lot more peaceful and slow than the hero's life he had grown so used to. But that was ok. Heroing could wait another day, he told himself, leaning back and closing his eyes.

Then, his sharp hearing picked up running footsteps and frenzied breathing. Snapping his eyes open, he looked out of the window to see a man run past. He leapt out of the tub and prepared to give chase. Grabbing the nearest article of clothing he could, he vaulted out of the open window and sprinted after the man.

"HAH!" he yelled after the intruder, who threw a glance over his shoulder and slowed to a stop. Link stood confrontationally in front of the man, ready to attack if necessary. The man just stared at him, a confused expression on his face.

"What in tarnation...?" he muttered, looking Link up and down. Link examined himself, and was horrified to realize that the article of clothing he'd grabbed was Malon's bathing robe. He wiped his wet face on the sleeve, and saw smudges of black come off. Great. He hadn't washed off the marker yet. He really must have looked quite a sight, a half-naked, dripping wet teenage boy with smudged marker scrawls on his face. But maybe that was the surprise he needed.

While the man stared at Link in confusion, he quietly reached for his sword. His... sword? He panicked. He'd left his sword in Malon's bedroom, along with his shield and the rest of his artillery. He decided he would just have to fight the man bare-fisted, but then he saw a knife hanging at the man's belt, which his hand was hovering over. Now Link was in a tight spot. He began scanning the area for possible escape routes, when the man was knocked out by a quick blow to the head with a hoof. Link looked up into the face of his saviour- Quinton. The horse leaned noncholantly over the fence, looking down at the man in disdain. Link was almost about to thank him, when he took one look at the boy and erupted into obnoxious horsey laughter. Link sniffed at him, then went inside to get Malon and Talon.

* * *

~BONUS STORY~

How Horses Flirt

 _So, how was that?_ Quinton neighed, swaggering. _Did you see how I got that bad guy, AND saved your stupid master, Epona?_

 _Yes, Mr. Quinton, sir, it was rather extraordinary._ the polite mare whinnied sweetly in reply.

 _Hey, now, we can hold off the formal titles, can't we? After all, we ARE good friends._ The boastful stallion paused. _...VERY good friends._

 _But, Mr. Quinton, you are my senior, and therefore should be treated with the proper respect._ Epona replied adamantly.

A vein popped in Quinton's head. _Hey... I'm not that much older than you..._ he snorted. _So anyway. What's say you and I head somewhere tomorrow after work?_

 _That would be delightful. My master has seemed to want new gear for some time now, so a trip to Castle Town is due._ she replied innocently.

 _Without the nimrod, dear._ Quinton told her, trying to be patient. _I meant, like a date._

Epona thought for a while. _I hope there are no ulterior motives behind this, Mr. Quinton._

 _Ul-what? Look, do you want to go out with me or not?_ he replied irritatedly.

 _Talk to me like that again and I'll kill you._ Epona whispered.

 _Huh?_

 _Of course I shall accompany you on this date, Mr. Quinton. We wouldn't want you wandering off and getting hurt, now would we?_ she neighed sweetly.

 _Oh, cute Epona! How adorably cutting you are..._ Quinton whinnied sheepishly.

* * *

 **A/N: Well, there it is! That's all I wrote of this fanfic before I sort of abandoned my deviantART. I may continue this some day, but I also may not! I'm unpredictable like that ;;;)))))))) Anyhoo, I hope you all have a lovely day, and thank you very much for reading!**


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